By and large, I’m having a fairly traditional Protestant wedding: my sister-in-law who is a priest will officiate, I’ll wear white, and after dinner my guests will groove to “I Wanna Dance With Somebody.” But one area where I’ve diverged from tradition is in my decision not to have bridesmaids.
I don’t have a grand reason behind this choice. I don’t think it’s somehow sexist to ask my friends to stand up there with me as an homage to the ancient Roman tradition of protecting the bride from kidnappers. I don’t worry that I’ll have a fallout with one of the people beside me and my photos will be ruined. In 2020 and 2021, more people scaled back or eliminated attendants due to COVID as guest lists were smaller—so I’m part of a trend. But still, I’m surprised at the strong feelings people have about this decision. My mom, for one: “You’re going to stand up there all alone?” she asked when I mentioned my choice. (I reminded her that my betrothed and my sister-in-law would be there with me, and that everyone I love in the world will be just five yards away, max.)
My first reason is cowardice, plain and simple. The thought of choosing a handful of friends to stand next to me gives me hives. While I doubt there’s a mountain of people anxiously hoping they’ll make the cut, it’s still a potentially awkward situation that is repellent enough for me to avoid it all together. There are enough stressors in the wedding planning process. On the flip side, I don’t want anyone up there reluctantly, wishing they could have saved some money on a dress. Once you’re asked to be an attendant, it’s pretty much obligatory. And obligation is something I’d like to keep out of my wedding at all costs. What could be less romantic?
The second is that it’s expensive to both be a bridesmaid and have bridesmaids. There’s the bachelorette party, which often involves at least a plane flight. There’s the dress you’ll only ever wear once, no matter what anyone says. There are sometimes the hair and makeup costs, and potentially “Bride Tribe” merch (I’ve never encountered this in my bridesmaid-ing, thank god). Of course, none of this is mandatory (except in most cases the dress), but it’s often expected, and the average bridesmaid ends up spending $1200 on one wedding. I’d rather kick this additional stress and spending off my to-do list.
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