It’s no secret that I live for a modern adaptation of a classic. Clueless? Yes, please. She’s The Man? I die! 10 Things I Hate About You? Wish it was eleven or twelve things! When it comes to Dakota Johnson’s new take on Jane Austen’s final novel Persuasion for Netflix, though, I have yet to make up my mind. In an effort to do so, please find all the thoughts I had while watching Persuasion below, in chronological order.
- Verdant open field! I’m already down.
- Oh God, I forgot the dialogue is “updated,” so we hear things like: “Now I’m single and thriving.”
- I’m sorry, but doesn’t Bridget Jones already exist?
- God, I love Richard E. Grant.
- Austen is so good at creating a vain, foppish dad.
- I should get some oil paintings of myself.
- Was everyone in Austen-era England constantly just carrying around a rabbit?
- To be perfectly honest, I played Neopets and watched America’s Next Top Model instead of finishing this book in high school, but I’m gathering that Anne (Johnson) is still not over her former lover, Wentworth.
- I’m really distracted by a particularly beautiful lobster centerpiece, but I gather that the family is moving to Bath to cut down on finances.
- “If you’re a five in London, you’re a ten in Bath.” Noted!
- Too much looking at the camera for me. What is this, The Office?
- “A woman without a husband is not a problem to be solved.” Why does it feel like some people still need to hear this in 2022?
- Shiny horses!
- I really relate to Anne’s other sister, who insists she’s dying when she’s clearly fine.
- Oop, dinner with Wentworth on the horizon.
- “The thing about me is, I am an empath,” announces Anne’s sister Mary. It’s giving me Catherine Cohen vibes!
- Did my girl just pour a tureen of something red and splotchy on her head?
- Oh naur, Wentworth is flirting with another girl, Anne’s sister-in-law!
- Omg, they’re fully dancing together—a.k.a. the Austen equivalent of sex.
- Wentworth rescues Anne from…being beaten with sticks by her nephews?
- Oh no, Anne’s sister-in-law Louisa, who is actually nice, is falling for Wentworth, and Anne is clearly nauseous about it.
- Ah, okay, so Anne’s whole thing is that she’s judgmental and aloof, like Darcy (crossover!), and Wentworth is shit-talking her about it.
- I just want to be dressed in linen walking up and down the English coastline! Why is that so hard?
- Ooh, new guy on the scene. What’s up, Captain Harville?
- Wentworth suuuucks.
- If I were in charge of this movie, I would have had Taylor Swift release a capsule album alongside it.
- Truly gorgina scene of Anne swimming in her dress at dusk. More of this, please!
- Ooh, another new guy on the scene. And this time, it’s Henry Golding!
- Not every man has the jawline necessary to pull off a top hat.
- I’d like to pull off his top hat, if you know what I mean.
- Omg no, Louisa hurt herself!
- Anne’s back with her terrible family 🙁
- Henry Golding, a.k.a. Mr. Elliot, is there too, though!
- God, this man was made to be cast in an Austen adaptation.
- Dakota in a beret alert!
- Thinking fondly about the two months of 2021 when I tried to bring back the beret.
- Oh God, Louisa and Wentworth are engaged!
- Louisa’s accident made Mary “realize how important it is to spend time away from one’s children,” and somewhere, my mom is applauding.
- Okay, Anne and Wentworth end up together in the end. Unfair to Henry Golding, frankly!
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