31 Thoughts I Had Watching ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’

As a onetime English major, I’m about to admit something truly humiliating: I have never read Lady Chatterley’s Lover. I’m sure it was assigned to me at some point in college, but what can I say? I was too busy playing Grand Theft Auto and not smoking weed (hi, Dad) to get to it. I am, however, excited to be able to pretend I’ve read D.H. Lawrence’s 1928 novel thanks to the brand-new adaptation that just hit Netflix. Without further ado, here’s literally everything I thought watching the Emma Corrin–led Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

1. Emma Corrin, a.k.a. Constance, is marrying a guy that I can just tell has no game.
2. Constance on consorting with a German guy: “It was before the war, so it doesn’t count.” Fair enough!
3. Okay, maybe Constance’s husband, Clifford, isn’t that mid because he comes in with a gorgeous tray of cocktails.
4. I like Clifford’s saucy little nightshirt! Unfortunately, he’s too stressed about going back to war (the next morning) to have sex, but then they do sort of, maybe, kind of have sex, in case you were worried.
5. Clifford was injured in the war, and he and Constance are going all Chip and Joanna Gaines on a dusty-looking mansion that I think was in his family (without the weird evangelical vibe.)
6. Okay, the fits in this movie are good, I must say! I like Emma in purple.
7. Oh, shit, Clifford and Constance hire a smokin’ hot gamekeeper, Oliver Mellors, who looks like a slightly younger Ethan Hawke.
8. Wait, is that Ethan Hawke?
9. Okay, it’s not. I checked. (It’s Jack O’Connell.)
10. Constance comes upon a miners protest and is duly bummed out by it, and we see her class consciousness vaguely expanding.
11. Clifford tries to Inception Constance into thinking she isn’t horny, telling her that a life of the mind is more important to a marriage (or whatever), and basically gives her permission to have a child with another man.
12. Obviously, we’re in England, so this is all happening in an extremely scenic garden.
13. Ooh, I like Emma’s hair (okay, wig) down.
14. There’s a real The Yellow Wallpaper moment where Constance goes slightly nuts and cuts down all the portraits in her room, but luckily her sister Hilda arrives to bring her back to reality.
15. Damn, this whole movie is really about getting Constance laid, huh?
16. Constance sees Mellors’s full nude ass while he showers and clearly loves it.
17. They hang out in his cottage and talk about books, all while he’s wearing what might actually be the sluttiest white henley I’ve ever seen.
18. Oh, wow, full-on masturbation scene. Okay, Netflix!
19. Constance goes back to Mellors’s house, this time in an extremely Batsheva-esque flowered belted gown, and makes plans to read James Joyce regularly there. Sure.
20. And just like that, we have our first Constance-Mellors sex scene. I’m the first to criticize a literary adaptation for skimping on steaminess, but…this is hot!
21. Sex scene, sex scene, garden scene, fancy-dinner scene, sex scene. There, I caught you up.
22. Constance is clearly falling for Mellors, which…who wouldn’t?
23. Anytime I see scenes of people swimming in natural water in England, I get cold. What can I say? I’m an empath.
24. Clifford maintains that Constance is “out for one of her walks” every time she’s off banging Mellors, which is a fairly elegant solution.
25. Clifford is a real dick to Mellors, and Constance is pissed about him and the rest of the “ruling class.” Socialist queen!
26. Honestly, the chemistry between Corrin and Not Ethan Hawke is crackling.
27. Why is Not Ethan Hawke growling “Fuck off, then” so erotic?
28. Gossip about Constance is spreading, and everyone’s pissed at her.
29. Constance is in Europe (I think?) with her sister and sporting a cute new haircut. Good for her!
30. Constance returns to the cottage in a truly chic pair of driving goggles, and it’s implied that they might be together after his divorce. (Oh, yeah, he’s married.)
31. In the words of the Brits: thumpin’ good film!