The question is not really so much who brings a dildo to a football game. People bring things to places. Maybe it’s a good-luck dildo. That’s really your own business, although it could be the business of Buffalo’s stadium, whose rules prohibit many items from the premises, among them:
– “battery operated clothing” (a dildo isn’t quite clothing, although it can be worn on one’s person, sort of)
– “unmanned aircraft devices” (once you throw the dildo, it is an airborne device, but not really an aircraft device)
– “clothing or material with profane language or obscene graphics” (a dildo kind of is an obscene graphic, but doesn’t really have one?)
– “selfie sticks” (okay, you get it)
The question also is not really so much who throws a dildo onto the field at a football game. We know the answer to that, and the answer is fans at a Bills-Patriots game.
It happened in 2016. It happened in 2017. It happened in 2018. And it happened Saturday night.
The people of western New York have a long-documented love affair with football and dildonics, and nothing brings it to the fore like Bill Belichick and the boys coming to town.
The question also isn’t whether throwing a dildo on the field is a waste of a perfectly good dildo. There are many problems with capitalism, but the system has brought the world a wide variety of extremely affordable dildos, and you’d definitely throw one of those instead of the good dildo that you leave at home.
The question is… how do you decide when to throw your dildo? You’ve brought the dildo to the game. You’ve determined that you will continue the Bills-Patriots dildo tradition. You selected a dildo that you are willing to sacrifice to the cause. What determines the timing of the launch? (Ed. note: Always bring a backup dildo, just in case.)
The Bills beat the Patriots, 47-10, to advance to the AFC divisional round. The person who threw the dildo on the field chose the moment that New England scored its first touchdown of the night, a three-yard pass from Mac Jones to Kendrick Bourne that cut Buffalo’s lead to 33-10.
But why then? Only the dildo thrower knows for sure, and isn’t that the magic of sports?
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