It’s an age-old question. It’s a debate which I’ve seen divide dinner tables of beautiful left wing sex-positive smokers. It’s a question, not surprising, given the general premise of this column, taken up by Carrie and Co as they investigate the latest drug of choice in the New York dating scene in season one of Sex in the City: younger men. Indeed, the age-gap relationship is a scenario we’ve all seen play out terribly, we’ve all seen work beautifully, we’ve all judged harshly from afar. And the thing that divides, creates disaster, inspires judgment is not simply a difference in number — it’s a difference in power.
Now there’s a general rule that always starts this game. “The equation,” of course: half your age then add seven to work out if someone is too young for you to date; take seven off your age then double it to work out if someone is too old for you to date. The problem is that where love, sex, and romance are concerned an equation can’t always provide you with the answer. Desire and attraction are not the same as basic math.
Many would argue for the legal line: that if all parties are of consenting age, and are able to fully and actively consent, then there’s not a problem with age gap relationships of any pairing. But much like the equation, this line of thinking doesn’t take into account the difference in power between an eighteen year old and a sixty-eight year old, and as we know the law is rarely created in favor of the more vulnerable, in reality it’s worth a little more consideration.
When I was seventeen, I had a short relationship with a man in his sixties. Then, it felt good — the sex was great, we were both totally consenting, and of course we never went public with it. Behind our closed doors it felt like we were some kind of equals, because even though the power dynamic was askew, who held that power so often shifted between us.
Yes, there is a power dynamic to be reckoned within a May-December relationship, but debates about age gaps often assume that the dynamic we speak of is simply one way: the older person has all the power, the younger person is exploited. In my experience, the older person in the relationship has the power of experience, sure, but the younger person has the power of youth, of access to Culture Now. When I dated older men, I derived a certain power from their desire for me, and it really turned me on. In turn, I felt taken care of, like I was learning at the hands of someone who had more life experience than me. I used to say “old men fuck, cook, and talk better” and, in many cases, it was true—especially when my dating pool was a group of confused, shame-filled late-teen-early-twenties gay men with late onset emotional adolescence, just like me.
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