Should I Get Back Together With the Ex Who Won’t Leave Me Alone?

When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye. Contact her at [email protected] for your own chance at enlightenment. 

Dear Shon

At the beginning of this year, my boyfriend of several years broke up with me. He came back to our apartment after a night out, admitted he had cheated, and said wanted to end the relationship. This came as a huge shock. He asked me to move out. I had to sleep on my friends’ sofas until I found somewhere more permanent.

About four months after the initial breakup, he witnessed a traumatic event and found himself seeking familiar comforts, so we ended up getting back together.  After a few weeks, he broke up with me again. This time it felt final, and I started to rebuild my life.

Last week, my ex reappeared asking to get back together again. This time, he’s said he wants to focus on how he can make me feel secure in the relationship again. We agreed to revisit the issue in a few months. He has now become more romantic than ever—sending me handwritten letters declaring his love and having flowers delivered to my house.

While he devastated me, I still struggle to see my life without him. I fear I won’t meet anyone else with whom I have such magic chemistry. Do I trust that he’s changed? Should we get back together?

Yours, 

Basher

Dear Basher,

What a saga! My goodness you have really been through it with this guy. What came across most strongly in the picture you have painted is a major discrepancy between his words and his actions. Here are some realizations that were painful for me to arrive at but have stood me in good stead: consistency is key, mixed signals are in fact very clear (they mean no), and always look for what they do, not what they say. On that last point, keep in mind the words of bell hooks: “begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling.” I honestly believe anyone who dates men should be pulled aside in college for a special tutorial on this stuff before we start getting into adult relationships.