People Like You More Than You Think They Do—But Does That Even Matter?

In my teens, and even my early 20s, I genuinely didn’t care what others thought of me. Of course I wanted to be liked—who doesn’t—but it didn’t consume my thoughts for longer than, like, three seconds. I befriended people blindly, assuming that if they didn’t get me then they simply wouldn’t hang out with me. This attitude made me aware of an odd paradox: the less you care, the easier your social life will become. People tend to relax around relaxed people, and everyone likes to feel relaxed. Thinking about what others think of you isn’t just annoying, then, but it also actively holds you back.

Eventually I developed insecurities, although it’s hard to pinpoint when. It could have been after I went through a period of depression at university and lost some of my social ease. It could have been when I started working in media, an industry riddled with perception-based paranoia. Or it could have just been because I got older, with my childlike delusions getting stripped away like old paint. Either way, I was like Eve eating the apple and discovering her own nakedness. And I’ve never fully returned to that state of not caring, of befriending people because I liked being around them without worrying if the reverse were also true.

I’ve been trying to care less, though, and for the most part it’s working. The morning after the garden party I thought: Well, so what if you were quiet that day? Who cares what others think? Multiple studies have shown that people tend to mainly think about themselves anyway. They’re not sitting there judging you. They’re too busy judging themselves. Social anxiety is by its nature completely pointless—a waste of energy that may have once had some evolutionary benefits, but which really just keeps us feeling tense when we could be having fun.

The next time I go to a party, I’d really love to just say what I’m thinking as I’m thinking it (within reason, of course). I’d like to laugh when I feel like laughing, and dance to music as and when the mood takes me. I’d like to make friends with people who are interesting, without worrying about whether I’m interesting too. I’d like to have a good time without thinking too much about whether others are having a good time, and what I should be doing about it. I’d like to live my life, because it’s mine, nobody else’s, and that’s what I’m here for. I’d like to be around others who are doing that too. I’d like that for all of us.