Response by Omika Obhrai, Clinical Psychologist, Hope Care India : In the above situation, there are two independent areas of concern. The first, whereby the husband has an anger-management issue and the second being his relationship with his in-laws. And probably a consequence of both these issues has led the wife to absolve her marriage altogether.
To begin with, There are six universal emotions- fear, anger, joy, sadness, disgust, and surprise. As living beings, we experience all these six emotions by default based on the stimuli we are exposed to. Even though all humans are endowed with this emotion set, the intensities of these vary from person-to-person.
Anger can be defined as an unpleasant and negative feeling which can range from basic irritability on one side of the spectrum going up-to unmanageable rage. Anger can be given the status of the most disruptive of the emotions we experience. The damage of uncontrollable anger expressed in the form of dysfunctional behaviours can lead to Psychological (interpersonal conflicts) and/or Physical (assault, vandalism) consequences.
Perhaps, the focus on anger issues should be dealt professionally with the help of a Mental Health Professional. Psychotherapy helps the individual to reflect, introspect and recognise the underlying repressed emotions, failures, stressors which act as possible triggers along with understanding the causes, and behaviours that are maladaptive. Distorted ways of thinking or Thinking Errors are corrected and healthy coping strategies are built upon through Cognitive Behavior Therapy. CBT for anger management is deemed as very effective and has scientific evidence to support a high prognosis rate.
The second issue mentioned is the poor quality of relationship the husband has with his in-laws. The disrespect, resentment and humiliation he exhibits specifically towards his wife’s parents could be understood as a self-defence mechanism or in other words, a self-preservation tool . It’s recommended to allow him to express himself by providing him a non-judgemental environment and further asking him the rationality and reason for his misdemeanor. Often it is seen that resentment is streaming from unresolved emotions and scarring experiences of the past like bullying, humiliation, blaming, loss, and failure. With his contribution and your non-bias participation in this activity, chalk out the triggers and work towards resolving the issue.
Lastly and as understandably, your marriage has been exhausting and emotionally draining for you. It is psychologically detrimental to live in an environment like this and to wish to live separately is an acceptable demand. However, despite the trauma you’ve lived through, it’s important that you understand that being “hot-headed” or “short-tempered” is a direct implication that he is unable to control the intensity and regulate the frequency of his emotions. Unlike most people, some people have difficulties managing their emotions. Causes for such behaviours are largely pinned to the person’s biological and psychological make up or even past personal experiences. In a nutshell, your husband needs compassion, support, patience and empathy. Professional help, psychotherapy or psychiatric help will be beneficial.
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