Here are some things I learned about myself in my 20s: I am naturally introverted, and need at least two days to recover in between hangs; I will never be a talented baker because I don’t like following instructions; and I’m fairly monogamous. I’ve tried non-monogamy—just like I’ve tried baking, and back-to-back social events—but it’s not for me, unfortunately. I have a vaguely disorganized attachment style and find it difficult to focus on more than one person. I also don’t enjoy sharing the intimate space I have carved out with a partner. Is that selfish? Possibly. But it’s also true.
Non-monogamy isn’t for me, but it works well for others. I have friends who are blissfully non-monogamous by nature, with multiple partners that fulfill multiple needs. I know people who are committed long-term to one person, but who don’t mind them getting a little something-something on the side. I can definitely see the appeal, and I like the idea, but not so much in practice. And that’s okay: there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to love and sex. Intimacy is fluid; there’s no correct framework for how such a thing can be expressed.
That said, in the past few years, as the star of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) has risen, so too has the idea that there is one “right” way to be. Polyamorous people love talking about their polyamory in the smoking area and saying things like, “Love is not a limited resource!” and, one of my personal faves, “Monogamy is a violent system solely designed to uphold capitalism and the patriarchy.” Meanwhile, monogamous people, who still rule the roost in wider society, often look down on those with alternative relationship styles. “Isn’t that just sanctioned cheating?” is one argument that comes up frequently (any ENM person will tell you that it’s quite the opposite). “Ugh,” they say. “Could never be me!”
I’ve probably swung in both directions at various points in my life. But, ultimately, I now subscribe to a concept that I like to call “relationship neutrality,” which is basically the idea that how other people conduct their relationships is none of your business, and not really up for discussion. Being non-monogamous or polyamorous doesn’t automatically make you more enlightened or free-thinking than anyone else (we all know that guy with the dangly earring who uses ENM as an excuse to act like a terrible human). Being monogamous also doesn’t make you morally superior, or immune to the types of complications experienced in any relationship. (Sorry to break it to you, but instructing a person to stop being attracted to others isn’t going to work.)
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