Is Emotional Cheating Real?

When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye. Contact her at [email protected] for your own chance at enlightenment. 

Dear Shon,

I like to build close connections with a lot of people. I think that emotional intimacy is something that you should have with people other than your partner, as it adds so much value and depth to your life. I frequently meet with my friends one on one, and I spend a lot of time having long discussions on WhatsApp. My boyfriend is completely fine with this when it comes to my female friends, but when I do this with male friends he accuses me of emotional cheating. He is convinced that all of those guys want something other than friendship from me and I am leading them on by getting close to them.

Am I in the wrong? Is emotional cheating real?

Confused Girlfriend

Dear Confused Girlfriend,

Emotional cheating does exist but, rather like beauty, it lives in the eye of the beholder. It all comes down to the fact that  we have acquired a lot of choice in how we go about getting our needs met, but very little confidence in understanding what those needs actually are. “What does intimacy mean to you?” is not something we often ask a partner outright in the process of developing a committed relationship. But it’s one we ought to ask, given that we all have such radically different ideas of intimacy. Sexual monogamy—a relatively new expectation of romantic relationships (at least for men) in the past 200 years—has the benefit of being quite clear cut. If you kiss or engage in sexual acts with a person who is not your partner, you are cheating. Despite the clarity, I think it’s safe to say that it’s not the best marker for everyone about what true commitment to a partner might look like. For some people, a blowjob might quite honestly be less intimate than many more PG-13 acts of intimacy and care. I certainly have had sex with lots of people I knew little about, but very few people have cared for me when I am sick, for example. Which is the greater expression of intimacy?

You ask if you’re in the wrong. It’s not a question of wrong or right. You and your boyfriend are coming to the relationship with separate histories and understandings of intimacy and different expectations of what love and commitment looks like. Not right and wrong. Just different. It’ll serve you better to approach the uncomfortable discussions you’re going to have to have about this with honesty and open mindedness. Telling your boyfriend he’s simply wrong because you don’t view these interactions with male friends the way he does is your prerogative—but you must be willing to deal with the possible consequences. He might find these continued friendships intolerable and choose to leave. At the other end of the spectrum, you could simply stop having such close friendships with men in order to appease your boyfriend. The risk there is that you will be left feeling controlled and deeply resentful.  If you don’t want an ending or a resentment you’ll need to get into the hard slog of relationships: communication and compromise.