“I Remember Just Having a Crush on a Girl”

Growing Up, Coming Out is a series of personal reflections from queer American designers, released every day this month.

I think I knew it when I was a pre-teen. I was pretty young. I knew as early as 10 or 11. I was born in Chicago, but I moved around a lot. So yeah, the memory of my first crush was here in Chicago. I remember just having a crush on a girl.

We had a cousin who came to stay with us for a short time when I was young. I just remember her being more masculine. I can’t even remember if she was out, or gay. Maybe she was. I just remember her being this masculine woman. Her being herself made me realize that I could relate. 

I already dressed like a tomboy, but I wanted to wear more baggy clothes in high school. I would basically hide the clothes from my mom. I would change on the train. When I came out to my mom it was mid-high-school but I had been out before that. I started talking to a girl in fifth, sixth grade. I had kind of been out. 

I came out to my mom in mid-high-school. My mom confronted me, sat me down at the table, and said “God didn’t make Eve and Eve, he made Adam and Eve,” or something kind of silly like that. She wasn’t comfortable with it at first, but it wasn’t like she was angry or going to kick me out. Maybe it was what she was taught with religion. And then she called my granny, who is my great grandma on my dad’s side. I spent a lot of time with my granny; I was brought up in the church because of her. When she came over, I just remember it being a sad moment. She prayed over me. After that I thought, Maybe I’ll try to go back straight. That didn’t last long. It had to have been a week or two. 

But the thing is also, I had never had sex with a guy. I was not attracted to a guy like that. And on top of that I was scared; I didn’t want to get pregnant, and it was me being young. I just said fuck it, I’m going to be myself. I’m not going to hide. Eventually, my mom did a 180. I don’t know if she accepts it, but she’s okay with me being who I am. I talk to her about women. It took a while for me to open up to her about my relationships as well, but now she’s very open to it.  Even my granny. We don’t even talk about it, but I can tell when she talks to me that she knows and she sends love to “my friends.” We just keep it that way.