I, Diallo?

How does the saying go? If you don’t know history, you’re bound to hire a couple goons to take a tire iron to your competition?

Apparently, the folks involved in this attack had never heard that axiom. Aminata Diallo has been arrested in connection with an attack on her teammate Kheira Hamraoui, who incidentally plays the same position as her.

According to reports, Diallo, Hamraoui and two other PSG teammates were riding in Diallo’s car after a team dinner when two men wearing balaclavas (ski masks) dragged Hamraoui and out of the vehicle, and while restraining Diallo, attacked her legs with tire irons for two minutes, before “escaping.”

We can’t go “Idiot of the Month” on this yet because the case is still open, and, who knows, it could’ve just been a random leg assault. Having said that, Whhhhhhhhy? And why do you think I’d not jump to immediate, comedic conclusions? It’s been alleged that Diallo was in the Peugeot and at the restaurant.

That’s not the mystery, though. The mystery is if Diallo was involved, did she not know about the Harding-Kerrigan incident, or was she a copycat?

I’m not naive enough to think a 26-year-old French soccer player would be up to date on mid-90s figure skating scandals, but the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan story was such a specific instance that it’s hard to imagine no one came across it when they were “casing” this hack job, if allegations that she was involved are true.

And even then, no one knows who Margot Robbie is? You may not have sat through the full 2 hours and 23 minutes of I, Tonya, but surely someone involved in this caper saw the trailer.

Who masterminded this thing? Was there literally zero research done? Other than Googling “How to break your teammate’s legs,” — if that indeed happened — no one thought to perhaps, I don’t know, research past (criminal) cases regarding tire irons, legs and teammates.

And, to bring this Harding-Kerrigan-Diallo-Hamraoui comparison full double-axel (I don’t know if that’s the correct ice skating terminology so my apologies if it’s not), Diallo and Hamraoui also are in direct competition on the French national team. Did Diallo know? She had to have, right? She had to have known about the Harding-Kerrigan incident, maybe, if the charges are legit, even took inspiration from “I, Tonya,” and conducted her own version of it. Even Nas knows no idea is original.

Thankfully, Hamraoui’s injuries aren’t career threatening, but she did require stitches and also missed what would’ve been her 100th appearance for PSG. (Diallo started in her absence, a 4-0 win.)

The investigation is ongoing, as I’m sure police — and people in general — have a ton of questions. We may never get the answers to such inquiries as, “How good was Diallo’s acting during the attack, if she was acting of course? Worse or better than the Oscar-nominated Robbie in I, Tonya? “Who decided the technical term for ski mask is ‘balaclava’?” and “Was Diallo unaware of the Harding-Kerrigan attack? Or was this an homage?” But in the interest of journalism (and comedy), I hope we do.