OPINION
The holidays are upon us, people, and with those free, fun and hopefully blissful days come a lot of activities. You know, things you don’t have time to do during the year because you’re too busy queuing at home affairs or begging for your invoices to be paid or fighting with Vodacom about cancelling the contract you never use. So pack your bags, your blankies and your picnic baskets, fight for your spot under a shady tree and enjoy an al-fresco lunch, socially distant from everyone because we’re still in a pandemic and that is literally all you can do.
I hope you like socially-distanced picnics because there are a few things you should not do during this coronavirus pandemic and some we will never be able to do again because, even once the alien-looking virus’s return to whatever unearthly place it came from, its mark will be left everywhere.
Do not go bowling. I know this seems like a fairly outdated, retro thing to do. But bowling in recent years has made a big comeback. Neon balls, neon lights, neon tights, neon everything. But here’s the thing, you have to share massive sticky balls that literally hundreds of other people have touched and stick your fingers into three tiny dark holes. Who knows what lurks beyond the ball. Also, never forget that we once lived in world where we stood in line to wait for assistants to find us a pair of overused stinky bowling shoes. Never again. Don’t do it.
While we’re on the topic of renting out what can only be described as the imprinted foot shadows of absolute strangers, do no not go ice skating. If you have your own skates, fine. But we don’t live in Canada and you don’t. If you are going to risk renting a pair of ice skates so you can waddle your way across frozen water, you may as well just lick the bowling ball. It’s a quicker, more effective way to share germs.
Long live the memories – only – of the arcade. This is a sad one for me. It seems like something only kids do, and perhaps you’re one of those people who think that adults who make their way to play pinball for an afternoon are total creeps. There are many people who love tapping into their inner child and going on arcade adventures. I am one of those people. No, I am not there for the snowball or the hungry hippos. I have no interest in winning tickets and cashing in prizes. What I do love doing, however, is shooting zombies and any other kind of first-person shooting game. But here I sit in utter shock that my index finger has touch the index finger of many while pulling the trigger on what is probably an extremely fungicidal gun. What were we thinking? And let us never think it again.
Decembers used to be “dis f#kkol is festive”. Now, alas, they are just f#kkol. I know you want to dance, hit the club, stand at the sticky bar and drop Jaeger bombs down your throat and now that restrictions have lifted a bit there are certainly a number of people doing that. But dear god, after what we have been through, I just don’t know how people justify walking into a place where masses sweat all over each other in sticky clubs with sticky floors and sticky glasses. Eeew. While at parties or in the club one of these things is also bound to happen: you will share a cigarette, a joint or sip from someone’s drink. The likelihood of any of these things happening while you’re murdering the dance-floor with your killer moves increases tenfold because you’re probably already inebriated. Honestly, you may as well suck on the faces of all those people around you and share saliva and little lung monsters or whatever floats around in breath between air.
And please don’t kiss a stranger at New Year. Make like Victorian times and only kiss the person you’re married to. Or your dog, if you have one.
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