57 Thoughts I Had While Watching Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas in ‘Deep Water’

Note: This story contains spoilers for the 2022 film Deep Water.

There were no bigger fans of Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas’s relationship than Vogue’s web staff, so when we learned that the pair’s “erotic psychological thriller” Deep Water (based on the novel of the same name by Patricia Highsmith, no less!) was finally dropping, we were immediately spellbound. Personally, I consider it an honor and a privilege to share my thoughts about the film with the world on a minute-by-minute basis; read them all below.

1. Did I confuse this with the Matt Damon film Stillwater? Maybe.
2. Does “Deep Water” also sound like it could be the name of a bespoke Colorado-based river-rafting-guide company? Yes.
3. Hey, it’s Ben Affleck! On a bike!
4. Hey, it’s Ana de Armas! On some stairs!
5. I must say, Affleck does look good in bike shorts.
6. No offense to this film, but I wish I was rewatching Gone Girl. All the ingredients are there: Ben Affleck, dark score, unhappy wife.
7. Why do wives persist in asking for their husbands’ opinions on their date-night oufits? Not to make gender assumptions, but he doesn’t care, girl.
8. Ben and Ana are at a boring-looking house party, explaining that they let their six-year-old choose to go to public school. Some mom is appalled.
9. OMG, Ana is sneaking off with an unseen blonde person, and at this point I can’t determine their gender, because I can’t see their face, so I’m choosing to believe this movie is queer for the moment.
10. Ugh, it’s a blonde man.
11. Ben talks to a woman with (to be crass) a great set about how he loves his wife, but clearly there’s trouble brewing.
12. Ana is playing the piano and singing, in a true “Zou Bisou Bisou” moment.
13. Never sing in public! What’s hard about this?
14. There’s a guy missing in town, and Ben heavily implies to the blonde man (ugh) that he killed him for having an affair with Ana. Yikes.
15. Oh, wait, he just straight-up says “I killed him.”
16. Man, Ana de Armas is short.
17. Or is Ben Affleck just tall?
18. Or both?
19. Now why is Ana eating an apple in the car on the way home from the party? Terrible drunk food, IMO.
20. Note to self: Don’t take your boobs out in front of the babysitter.
21. Also, maybe your husband isn’t “suffocating” for not wanting you to do this.
22. Ben’s weird threat to Ana’s blonde affair guy has gotten around town, apparently.
23. Do these people know you can just…be poly?
24. OK, Blonde Hunk is over for dinner. Sure. Why not?
25. God, this marriage is stressing me TF out.
26. I feel like they’re confiding way too much in their six-year-old.
27. I’m sorry, I’m going to say again that this movie feels like diet Gone Girl.
28. Man, married people love to fight about the dishes. Make a chore wheel!
29. The word “emasculate” is being used a lot, and not entirely correctly.
30. Ben and Ana meet a pretentious writer at a party (Tracy Letts!), and we learn that Ben does…“web apps” and “publishes a small magazine,” but mostly rides his bike around. Hmm.
31. Oh, wait, he built drone chips. Quite a legacy!
32. I’m guessing the drone chips weren’t in Highsmith’s original draft.
33. You don’t see a lot of parties that feature swing-dancing anymore. Are we in Mad Men?
34. Wait, so Ana gets to have affairs, but Ben doesn’t? Hmm.
35. Ah, the elusive “oral sex in the car” moment. Not safe! Sorry to be a cop, but it just doesn’t seem worth it.
36. Sex scene!
37. Jacob Elordi time. He’s Ana’s latest prey, and he, too, plays the piano, because we’re in a very musical town.
38. I am incredibly bored, and to be honest, have no idea what’s going on in this movie. Sorry.
39. Okay, I’m back. They got a pet, which is always a good idea when you have a small child and your marriage is on the rocks.
40. Ana taunts Ben about all her affairs, and he issues an ultimatum. She doesn’t seem to care.
41. Why are these people constantly at lawn parties?
42. Really cute shot of a sleepy dog at an inopportune moment.
43. I get that Ana is free-wheeling and all, but does she have to hook up with her lovers while at lawn parties with her husband?
44. If I were a person in this small town, I’d wonder why these weird married people were constantly bringing their drama to parties.
45. Dead body in pool! Gatsby vibes.
46. Okay, the dead body is Jacob Elordi, and Ana naturally accuses her husband of his murder to the cops, as you do.
47. Ben gaslights the hell out of Ana, but the weird pretentious writer from earlier believes her.
48. Meanwhile, Ben is getting a little too cozy with his blonde wife, who looks familiar, but I don’t feel like IMDb-ing.
49. The pretentious writer and Ana are teaming up with a P.I. to prove Ben is a murderer, and Ben calls him on it at a nice-looking lunch featuring several bottles of natural wine I want.
50. Why are the daughters in this movie all named “Goldie” and “Trixie”? Mad Men again!
51. I need this six-year-old emancipated immediately.
52. Yet another lover of Ana’s (I assume?) comes through, this one her ex-boyfriend, and Ben…legit kills him?
53. So they’re just getting right to it, huh?
54. Things chill out for Ana and Ben after the murder (LOL), until the pretentious writer catches Ben messing with the ex-BF’s corpse. They get in a car chase, and the pretentious writer dies.
55. Ana realizes Ben has been killing off all of her BFs and tries to leave, but her daughter very creepily stops her by throwing her bag in the pool.
56. Okay, it seems Ana is going to stay with Ben and be his accomplice? Whatever floats your boat!
57. Well, all told, that movie was no Carol. Sorry, Ben and Ana. I still believe in your love.