48 Thoughts I Had While Rewatching ‘Blue Crush’

I’ve recapped a lot of rom-coms for this website, but I’m going to be honest with you: I’ve yet to fully delve into my absolute favorite movie genre, which is “young women playing sports and (often, but not always) falling in love.” Is this my most beloved kind of movie because I’m a lesbian? No, and that’s offensive.

JK, that probably has a lot to do with it, and today, I have the honor of presenting a film my best friend and I used to watch at least once a month at our standing Saturday-night sleepovers in high school: the 2002 surf romp Blue Crush. Let’s dive in, shall we?

1. First of all, have we all read the Susan Orlean article this film was based on?
2. Okay, good.
3. Why didn’t my parents teach me to surf?!?!?!?
4. Seriously, look how cool Kate Bosworth looks!
5. To say nothing of her friends, Michelle Rodriguez (all-time crush) and Sanoe Lake.
6. I miss the sushi bar I used to go to in L.A. that played surfing videos on a giant projector while you ate.
7. Oh boy, I forgot that Kate Bosworth’s bad little sister has white-girl cornrows in this movie 🙁
8. Kate Bosworth is preparing for Pipe Masters (a very big deal), even though she hasn’t surfed competitively since she almost drowned. Seems like a pretty good reason to me, but I’m a landlocked loser.
9. A shot of bloody coral stuck in a guy’s eye makes me gag.
10. Kate Bosworth’s douchey, hot male surfer friends try to make her surf a big wave, but she chokes. Again, fair.
11. Man, seeing surfboards on a car also makes me miss L.A., even though I would get super-pissed when my friend Eliza would take up half my car with her board.
12. Don’t get me started on when she used to bring her board on the bus, before any of us could afford cars.
13. The older girls drop White-Girl Cornrows off at school, where she’s not doing super-well, but their mom is off in Vegas chasing some guy, so Kate Bosworth is raising her alone. With the help of her girlies, of course.
14. Work time! The girlies are maids at a hotel, which was my aunt’s summer job throughout college and in her 20s, and I remember her talking fondly about how much snooping she and her colleagues used to do while cleaning.
15. The girlies don’t disappoint, trying on some rich guest’s fancy clothes until she comes back and almost catches them.
16. Apropos of nothing: If you’re rude to hotel staff, you are an actively bad person.
17. Football players are at the hotel, and their toxic machismo is bumming the girlies out.
18. OMG, White-Girl Cornrows is totally at a party with older boys, smoking weed!
19. Kate Bosworth drags her home, and White-Girl Cornrows screams that it was Kate who “made Mom leave.” Ouch.
20. Dope moment ahead: When tasked with disposing of a used condom, Kate Bosworth confronts the football player it belongs to and makes him do it himself. Hell yeah.
21. Michelle Rodriguez is trying to momager Kate Bosworth’s surf career, and Kate Bosworth isn’t really into it.
22. Would this be the time to bring up the off-the-charts lez vibes between them? Or is that just wishful thinking on my part?
23. How do these women look so cool in baggy board shorts?
24. One douchey football player tracks Kate Bosworth down at the beach to apologize for their behavior, and he’s cute.
25. I mean, not to me, but he’s also Warner from Legally Blonde, so, you know.
26. Kate Bosworth and her friends agree to teach Warner and his pals to surf for $150 an hour, which is the least he can do.
27. Fun football bro/surf girlie wave scene!
28. God, I could never surf.
29. Let me rephrase that: I really hope I learn to surf someday, but I’m more the “read a book on the beach” type.
30. Oh God, does Warner—a white man—have tribal tattoos?
31. Literally just date Michelle Rodriguez, Kate Bosworth.
32. Over at the hotel, Warner and Kate Bosworth TMA (Totally Make Out).
33. She thinks he’s married with kids, but it turns out he’s just a very involved uncle to a cute little niece…which leads to EMMO (Even More Making Out).
34. Kate Bosworth takes Warner to a locals-only surfing spot, but the guys from before show up to call him a haole and beat him up, which…I mean, fair enough.
35. Hotel time again!
36. Now we get to my favorite scene of the entire movie: Kate Bosworth wakes up alone in the hotel with a note telling her to spend as much money as she possibly can, so she gets macadamia-nut pancakes and takes a bath. Aspirational.
37. Is it weird that my ultimate romantic fantasy is one in which a handsome guy has left me alone to spend his money?
38. M-Rod and Sanoe Lake come to clean the room Kate Bosworth is a guest in (awkward) and read her the riot act for choosing a guy over surfing. Let her live! But also, again…fair enough.
39. OMG, Pipe is in three days!
40. After a big surf fight with M-Rod, Kate Bosworth gets sad, angsty massages with Warner.
41. Okay, literally, can M-Rod get her own life? Kate Bosworth finds her watching Kate’s old surfing videos while she heads out to a big, fancy football party in a very hot-slash-skimpy dress.
42. Warner likes the dress, but his friends don’t; the football players’ mean girlfriends shit-talk Kate Bosworth in the bathroom, and she overhears.
43. Apparently, Warner has a habit of “making over” local girls on vacation. Ew.
44. Kate Bosworth rightfully leaves to get in the ocean, telling Warner that what she really wants is for her sister to “quit smoking and go to college,” among other dreams.
45. Pipe time! Layne Beachley is there! Even I know who that is.
46. Oh God, history repeats itself as Kate Bosworth gets injured.
47. Warner pep-talks her into finishing out the competition, and after some girlboss teamwork with another surfer (no shade, it’s genuinely sweet), she does so!
48. Okay, Kate Bosworth didn’t place first, but endorsement deals seem likely. Mahalo!

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