43 Thoughts I Had Watching ‘Your Place or Mine’

I’ve been desperate to watch the new Netflix film Your Place or Mine ever since seeing its stars, Reese Witherspoon and Ashton Kutcher, display an absolute dearth of charisma on the red carpet while promoting it, and now the time has finally come to satisfy my curiosity. Witherspoon and Kutcher appear as a…BFF pair? Who…swap houses? But definitely aren’t in love? Read the full recap below:

1. I am willing to bet all the money in my pocket (which, granted, is a lint-crusted quarter) that this movie was sold with the pitch “It’s When Harry Met Sally meets The Holiday.”
2. If there’s one thing a Reese Witherspoon movie character is going to do, it’s own property.
3. Okay, so far I’m going to say that the lack of chemistry extends to this 2003-set sex scene, though I know that’s intentional.
4. Reese and Ashton are just buds who FaceTime now, which is driven home through some really next-level split-screen technology.
5. Bro, if you have an ex who’s now your best friend you’re this attached to, the relationship might not be platonic. A little helpful tip from the Queer Dating Files!
6. Reese is a “Saran Wrap parent,” which…yeah, you already guessed what that is, because it’s every character Reese Witherspoon has ever played. Meanwhile, Ashton is chill, due to gender roles.
7. Ashton’s GF, played by Vella Lovell (a.k.a. Heather from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend), rightly expresses concern over his relationship with Reese, asking, “If you like each other so much, why aren’t you guys together?” Because then there wouldn’t be a premise for the movie, Heather!
8. Hey, it’s Tig Notaro as Reese’s designated lesbian bestie!
9. Hearing Reese Witherspoon say the word “vacay” brings back such important Legally Blonde memories.
10. Reese is very clear that she’s not going on vacay…tion to New York, but Tig Notaro’s not buying it.
11. Reese’s ex husband is a mountain climber who travels 10 months out of the year, so I hope he’s at least paying decent spousal support.
12. Hey, it’s Rachel Bloom from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend as a wacky babysitter who will be watching Reese’s kid while she works in New York! I just realized her co-creator on that show made this movie, which probably took me too long to figure out.
13. Ah, okay, Reese really wants to work with books (Reese’s Book Club Easter egg?), but accounting is more practical for a single mom.
14. Ashton Kutcher has a very set jawline. Just wanted to note that.
15. Rachel Bloom can’t babysit anymore, so Reese is bringing her kid to New York. Oh, did I mention that that’s where Ashton lives?
16. Ashton is going to stay in L.A. with the kid, whose name I have not retained. I wonder if this will result in romance, by any chance?
17. God, I guess we really live in an age of kids getting picked up from school in Teslas.
18. Wait, is this even a Tesla? Or a different car? This is not my area of expertise.
19. The kid is getting bullied at school, and Ashton is nice to him about it 🙂
20. Reese won’t let her kid play hockey, because he’s “too small.”
21. Oh God, what if I someday have a child who wants to play a contact sport? As a girl of sitting-in-the-outfield-making-daisy-crowns experience, I can’t handle it.
22. Oh yeah, a whole plot point in this movie is that Reese is maybe Munchausen-lite-ing her son about his allergies? Like, the movie presents her as weird for being super on top of his sensitivities, but I feel like that’s…reasonable, LOL.
23. Reese is repulsed by Ashton’s serial-killer-clean place and its color-sorted books, which I fully agree with.
24. A hot girl shows up unannounced to woo Ashton half-naked, but ends up becoming pals with Reese, as you do.
25. More split-screen.
26. Reese is reading White Teeth!
27. I’m bored, dude.
28. Ashton is pulling off a whole caper to get the mean hockey kids at school to accept the allergic kid, and Reese is out on the town with Ashton’s hookup, who’s wearing a fabulous leopard beret.
29. Reese meets a hottie played by Jesse Williams, a.k.a. Avery from Grey’s Anatomy, and impresses him with her literary prowess, which is handy because he works at her favorite publishing house.
30. Oh shit, Reese discovers from Ashton’s hookup that he’s still writing despite selling out big-time and going into business. In fact, he’s written a whole manuscript.
31. The hockey caper goes well, and Reese and Ashton confess some things to each other while taking separate baths over FaceTime (genuinely cute), but not everything.
32. Aw, Reese loves Ashton’s book! That he didn’t say she could read!
33. Reese pitches Ashton’s book to Avery, and it turns out Reese and Avery both have teenage sons (and major chemistry).
34. Avery, a.k.a. his assistant, likes the book and wants to speak to the author. Oh, and he also asks Reese out, and she says yes. Uh-oh.
35. Reese Witherspoon is soooo a woman who uses the verb “tinkle” in every movie.
36. Ashton finds out Reese’s hippie neighbor Zen is into her, and he’s not happy about it.
37. Not Reese and Avery brainstorming comp titles over red wine!
38. I genuinely find it endearing when Reese mixes up her New York bridges. There are a lot of them! I’ve walked or biked over most of them, and I still get confused!
39. Ashton admits to Tig that he’s in love with Reese!
40. Back at Ashton’s house, Reese is hooking up with Avery, but then she finds a poker chip that means Ashton loves her or something? I’ll admit I wasnt following this subplot that carefully.
41. The kid gets injured at hockey! Reese is pissed, but the kid loved it, so yay, go sports.
42. LAX kiss time!
43. And just like that: Reese is an editor, Ashton is a published writer, the kid plays hockey, and everyone lives together. Yay!