41 Thoughts I Had While Rewatching ‘How to Be Single’

Ah, rom-coms. No matter how stressed out I am or how high the omicron infection rate climbs, they’re the one art form (yes, I said art form) that can always calm me down, which is probably why I revisit my favorites on a regular basis. Today’s pick? How to Be Single, a 2016 confection that stars Dakota Johnson, Rebel Wilson, Damon Wayans Jr., Alison Brie, my sweet Succession angel Nicholas Braun, and a whole bunch of other famous people. Let’s dive in and start thinking, shall we?

1. Packed club scene! This is giving me retroactive COVID anxiety.
2. Rebel Wilson’s party-girl persona is played for laughs, but unfortunately…I relate. Or at least I did during my Hot Vax Summer.
3. Alison Brie is very focused on getting married, which men famously hhhhate. I wonder what will happen!
4. Immediate boner joke.
5. Aw, Leslie Mann is a tired and semi-shrewish doctor. I feel like she gets done so dirty in so many movies, many of them written by her husband. (Though not this one— Busy Philipps’s husband, Marc Silverstein, cowrote this one, fun fact!)
6. Folks: WE SEE NICHOLAS BRAUN’S ASS. This is so important.
7. Nicholas Braun and Dakota Johnson are breaking up postcollege because they’re…happy but could be happier? Dakota Johnson is all excited to learn to cook and hike the Grand Canyon. Good luck, babe—I’ve done both and it’s (1) exhausting and (2) much less comfy than ordering takeout with your partner. Someone marry me so I don’t have to cook or hike anymore!
8. Leslie Mann does a simply terrible job of delivering a baby, in that the baby comes out, I guess (we don’t see it), but she also terrifies the mom-to-be about giving birth to a “tiny little love terrorist.” Hmm.
9. Rebel Wilson and Dakota Johnson start working together and immediately decide (or rather Rebel decides) that they’re going to team up and be single. Just be gay, you cowards!
10. Alison Brie angry flirts with the local bar owner whose Wi-Fi she’s stealing (Anders Holm) and explains that there are basically no men in New York or something. Girl, call me when your dating pool is comprised entirely of your ex-girlfriends’ ex-girlfriends, and then we’ll talk.
11. Dakota and Rebel hit the town, and Dakota sleeps with Anders Holm while Rebel screams, “RUMSPRINGA!”
12. Oh, so Leslie Mann and Dakota Johnson are sisters?
13. Anders Holm’s whole philosophy appears to be that he’s a dick to women, and they like it? Noted. He and Dakota Johnson agree to simply bang with no feelings attached.
14. Oh naurrrrr, Dakota Johnson meets up with Nicholas Braun, who explains he has a new girlfriend.
15. Anders Holm makes out with Alison Brie to make her look cool and popular in front of some bachelorettes and clearly falls in love at first kiss, as we all do.
16. Aw, Leslie Mann is having a baby on her own! Love it.
17. Iconic line from Rebel Wilson: “Reading is for ugly losers.”
18. Oh naurrrr x2, Nicholas Braun is moving in with his new girlfriend. Rude!
19. Ina Garten cameo!
20. God, Rebel Wilson really is very funny, even when she’s working with semi-subpar material.
21. I genuinely laughed at a scene where Dakota Johnson accidentally gets caught in an a cappella group at a networking event, and it turns out Damon Wayans Jr. is charmed by it too, because they hit it off. He begs off to take a call from his daughter, though, so Dakota Johnson writes him off.
22. Girl, he’s rich! Stick with it for a second.
23. A pregnant Leslie Mann meets a Colin Jost–looking guy who I think (???) is Jake Lacy but refuse to research it.
24. Oh, no, Alison Brie thinks she’s found the One, but it is literally Colin Jost, and he dumps her in Grand Central. Ouch.
25. Alison Brie has a total meltdown in front of some kids, but luckily that’s when she meets Jason Mantzoukas, a man that even I (famously a lesbian) would give it all up for. Mazel!
26. Aw, Leslie Mann and Not Colin Jost go to buy a Christmas tree together, but she freaks out, but he brings her one anyway 🙂
27. Dakota Johnson’s whole thing is that she really wants to hike the Grand Canyon overnight on New Year’s. What in the Yellowjackets hell…?
28. A few months later, Dakota Johnson is meeting Damon Wayans Jr.’s adorable little girl, but he freaks out when they start singing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You” together, for reasons unknown. I bet we’ll find out!
29. There is a very sweet scene of Dakota Johnson and Leslie Mann falling asleep together that makes me miss my friends.
30. Oh, shit, Not Colin Jost didn’t know Leslie Mann was pregnant via IVF? I forgot about this element of the plot.
31. He’s on board to raise the baby, but Leslie Mann dumps him anyway.
32. Dakota Johnson looks good in a ponytail. Just noting things.
33. Alison Brie is marrying Jason Mantzoukas despite Anders Holm’s love for her, but at least he knows he can feel things again?
34. Rebel Wilson and Dakota Johnson get into a huge fight about Dakota constantly getting stuck in “dicksand” whenever she likes a guy. Bummer and all too real.
35. Dakota Johnson and Nicholas Braun hook up again, but he reveals he’s cheating on his now fiancée, so she ends it.
36. Sidenote: Does anyone else get incredibly nervous when characters in New York movies sit on precarious-looking fire escapes?
37. Leslie Mann has a baby! In a cab! And patches things up with Not Colin Jost!
38. Rebel Wilson and Dakota Johnson patch things up too!
39. Damon Wayans Jr. grieves the loss of his wife and sings to his daughter!
40. Alison Brie and Jason Mantzoukas get married!
41. Dakota Johnson hikes the Grand Canyon! Okay, I don’t hate that ending.

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