38 Thoughts I Had While Rewatching Hocus Pocus

It’s almost Halloween, and since I don’t have anyone to do a Gerri-and-Roman-from-Succession couples costume with me (ugh, get on board, potential suitors!), I’m all the more invested in my traditional late-October rewatch of movies that capture the spooky spirit without actually scaring me to my core. Obviously, number one in the lineup is Hocus Pocus, the 1993 cult classic starring the holy trinity of Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, and a pre-Sex and the City Sarah Jessica Parker. Let’s dive in, shall we?

1. These opening titles really seem to prefigure the Harry Potter movies.
2. OMG, I forgot Thora Birch is in this!

3. Did all teenage boys in the ’90s have those floppy, Hanson-esque haircuts? I can’t remember.
4. I have to say, the costuming and makeup of this movie is absolutely extraordinary. IATSE strong, baby!
5. Was it in SJP’s contract that she had to be the only one to actually look good?
6. Okay, that was unfair. She’s definitely committing to the role, but I’m just saying, her look is a little more glam than those of her sisters. That hair!
7. The Hanson-esque teen boy shows up to rescue his little sister from the witches, and I must say, her tiny knitted cap is very Batsheva-core.
8. Just like that, all the witches are transformed into younger, hotter versions of themselves, which I’m sure was in everyone’s contract.
9. Their stated goal is to “suck the life out of all the children in Salem.” The kids are not on board, understandably.
10. Wow, talking cat! Real Sabrina the Teenage Witch energy.
11. Dark; the townspeople show up and hang the witches, because the inhabitants of Salem at this time were famously witchphobic. They go to their deaths cheerfully, promising to come back.
12. Oh, now we’re in the ’90s for sure, because people are wearing tie-dye and turtlenecks under chunky sweaters. God, what an era.
13. This one kid named Max from Cali is not on board with Salem’s Halloween obsession, and a girl named Alison schools him. Obviously, he’s into it, because as my mom always said, guys love it when you’re a little bit mean to them.
14. Aw, fall in New England! Should I not have moved to Texas?
15. I just cracked open a Topo Chico seltzer and immediately stopped regretting my relocation.
16. God, grunge teens are so awesome. I mean, I don’t want to spend any time with them, but I love their styling.
17. Despite being a certified bad boy, Max still takes his little sister out trick-or-treating, because he’s secretly a sweetie. His grunge bullies aren’t into it, though.