36 Thoughts I Had Watching ‘Murder Mystery 2’

Below, find all the thoughts I had about the film, in chronological order.

1. Why is Adam Sandler with mutton chops working for me?
2. If nobody else gets it, I know former Vogue writer and current contributor Liana Satenstein gets it.
3. If I don’t look as good as Jennifer Aniston does in a tank top at her age, I’m suing my moisturizer brand.
4. The scourge of brick walls in bedrooms must end.
5. Adore Adam Sandler in a shirt that simply says “BROOKLYN.”
6. Jen and Adam’s friend Vic (a.k.a. the Maharaja) is getting married, and shares this via phone while jet-skiing. I wonder if that’s covered by AppleCare?
7. Hey, it’s Melanie Laurent, a.k.a. Shosanna Dreyfus from Inglorious Basterds (a film Sandler should have been in, now that I think of it).
8. Okay, I’ll stop talking about what Adam Sandler looks good in, but he’s kind of rocking a kurta right now at Vic’s wedding to Melanie.
9. God, I want to go to a wedding.
10. I just remembered the number of actual weddings I have scheduled for the rest of the year and laughed out loud in horror. Note to the audience: do not turn 30. (Or, at least, save a lot of money for the occasion, because you’ll be celebrating other people’s love at a hefty cost the entire year.)
11. Imagine commenting on the amount of food someone is serving herself at a wedding! Couldn’t be me.
12. Vic enters his wedding on the back of an elephant, only to pass out…but it turns out it’s not Vic!
13. Where is Vic, y’all?
14. Let’s get #WhereIsVic trending.
15. Don’t worry, Jen and Adam are on the case.
16. “Trying to shame me is not going to get the cheese back” is a great argument that I need to employ the next time I eat all the cheese my partner had set aside for a function.
17. A team of…undersea divers or something is here to solve the case? And they emerged out of the ocean? I’m confused.
18. I’m bored. Can we get another elephant in here?
19. Oh shit, ransom is set at $50 million.
20. Is Adam Sandler’s beard growing with each frame of this movie?
21. Again, I like it.
22. In general, if a man in a mask asks you to get in a van, you should probably not do it.
23. Adam Sandler speaking fake French is, in fact, making me laugh.
24. So much kicking! So much punching!
25. When and where did Jennifer Aniston acquire that huge fur coat?
26. Jodie Turner-Smith is so good in this movie, even though I wish she had more to work with.
27. Jen Aniston’s comedic timing has only gotten better over the years, I must say (not that she wasn’t extremely funny on Friends).
28. Adore Melanie Laurent to heaven and back, but I do not like her dark pink evil-girl trench coat. It’s giving budget Shego.
29. This is a niche action-movie complaint, but I hate the sound of glass walls crumbling.
30. Day saved by a romance-obsessed study-abroad girlie!
31. “There’s only one thing I hate more than witnesses, and that’s the French” is, admittedly, a really good line. That said, allez la France!
32. Oh shit, Jen accidentally shot Adam!
33. I love that in movie-world logic, gunshot wounds to the limbs are basically like bruises, i.e. NBD.
34. A very Elle Woods moment occurs in which Jen uses her hairdresser logic to figure out that henna doesn’t smear, which turns out to mean (spoiler alert) that Vic’s sister was behind it all!
35. Now I’m rewatching the Legally Blonde scene in which Elle uses her hair knowledge to solve a murder. I love women so much!
36. Okay, amazing choice of French ye-ye pop for the closing credits.