36 Thoughts I Had Watching Episode 1 of The Real Bling Ring: Hollywood Heist

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I’m going to say it: Sofia Coppola’s 2013 film The Bling Ring is one of the greatest cinematic works of our time. (Kindly take your disagreements elsewhere, because in this house, we do not besmirch the good name of Mama Coppola.) Theft! Celebrity! Clothes! Shoes! Luxury cars! XL-sized lattes to go! Shopping sprees at Kitson! A Sleigh Bells needle drop! Need I say more? Now, the true events that the film was based on are the subject of a brand-new Netflix documentary titled The Real Bling Ring: Hollywood Heist, and needless to say, I’m intrigued. The documentary revisits the ringleaders, Nick Prugo and Alexis Neiers, now in their thirties, and lets them relive the glory/horror days of their adolescent crime spree. Let’s dive in, shall we?

  1. Hey, it’s the real Nick Prugo!
  2. Oh my actual God, it’s the real Alexis Neiers. Honestly, she looks great?
  3. I have no idea what’s happening, because I’m mentally playing Neiers’ Nancy Jo Sales voicemail on a loop in my head. For those uninitiated, this is the rambling and insane voicemail that Neiers left after being very displeased with Vanity Fair writer Nancy Jo Sales’ story about her, “The Suspect Wore Louboutins.”
  4. NANCY JO, THIS IS ALEXIS NEIERS CALLING! Okay, sorry, I’m done.
  5. Oh man, they’re recreating the Alexis Neiers arrest, SWAT team and all.
  6. God bless, they showed the Nancy Jo call scene.
  7. “If you’d written it as a script, no one would believe it.” True enough!
  8. Wait, the lead investigator from the actual case appeared in the Bling Ring movie? Is that allowed?
  9. God, I love an aerial shot of Hollywood.
  10. Obsessed with Nick explaining the concept of the San Fernando Valley to us: “It’s quite literally in the shadow of Hollywood.”
  11. This is Valley culture erasure!
  12. I am not a fan of this doc filming unhoused L.A. residents’ encampments to illustrate that it’s a “have and have-not town.” We get it!
  13. Okay, this Nick backstory is boring, let’s get back to Alexis.
  14. Did I know that Alexis’s dad was a DP on Friends?
  15. Alexis’s mom, Andrea, would still very much like you to know that she used to be a model.
  16. Hey, it’s Gabbie Neiers, Alexis’s less-famous, less-criminal biological sister!
  17. “Everything was good up until puberty”, says Nick. You said it, brother.
  18. At least they’re finally acknowledging Nick’s sexuality, which is weirdly hinted at in The Bling Ring but not actually dealt with much.
  19. I kind of love that they keep cutting to an omniscient, Margot-Robbie-in-The Big Short-esque realtor who explains how L.A. neighborhoods work.
  20. Nick is upset that his mom would drop him off at school in a Honda while his classmates got dropped off in Lexuses. (Lexii?) Sounds tough.
  21. Alleged Bling Ring instigator Rachel’s absence from the documentary is poorly handled via a series of…Facebook pictures of her?
  22. Honestly, smart of Rachel not to appear.
  23. These reenactments are not even Lifetime quality, TBH.
  24. Okay, this is fun: a personal stylist is taking us shopping on Robertson Boulevard (virtually, of course) to explain the stranglehold that this area of L.A. had on rich socialites in the early aughts.
  25. Paris, Audrina, Lindsay…oh, how I miss my holy trinity.
  26. I’m sorry, but if you live in Calabasas and don’t lock your fancy car, maybe you’re kind of asking for a bunch of rich, dumb teens to rob you?
  27. Gabbie outs her mom about her “30,000 dollar cellulite machine,” and I both do and don’t want to know what that could be.
  28. Oh hell yeah, Law of Attraction time. “It’s kind of like a cross between Buddhism and witchcraft”, apparently.
  29. Damn, remember The Secret?
  30. Perez Hilton is here? Sure, why not.
  31. God, they’re showing clips from the shows and movies of the celebrity robbery victims, and I somehow blocked this out, but Paris Hilton was rude to a whole lot of working-class people on The Simple Life. Team Nicole.
  32. Oh man, MySpace. This whole thing is like an aughts time capsule, and I’m having a visceral reaction.
  33. Tess Taylor time! This is Alexis’s non-biological sister, with whom she got into a whole lot of trouble.
  34. Say what you will about Alexis and Tess, they probably should have had an actual, non-Law of Attraction-addled adult looking out for them at this time in their lives.
  35. God, remember how cool smoking cigarettes used to be?
  36. Okay, well, that was fun-ish. See you back here for Episode 2, but frankly, they’ve already gotten pretty far into the crime; what else is there to learn? I guess we’ll find out.

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