33 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1’

Well, team, we’ve made our way through the morass of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, and our reward is Breaking Dawn — Part 1, fondly known as The One Where Bella and Edward Finally Have Sex. Let’s dive into this recently acquired Netflix bounty, shall we?

1. The invitations for Bella and Edward’s wedding are out, and they’re very, well, traditional for a wedding between a vampire and a teenage girl.
2. Wedding prep time! In a very Goop-y move, Bella wants to go barefoot at her wedding, but Alice won’t let her.
3. Seriously, why is Alice making Bella wear stilettos at her wedding? What is this high-femme supremacy? At least she’s a dedicated wedding planner.
4. Unfortunately, Kristen Stewart in a leather jacket is my exact sexuality.
5. Edward confesses to Bella that he had an era of killing bad guys when he first got changed into a vampire, which…whatever. I still hate how he sneaks up on her.
6. Wedding anxiety dream: Why is literally everyone wearing white? Diddy would like a word.
7. It’s the day of the wedding at last, and Bella really does look beautiful. Everyone cries and worries about their makeup, because apparently nobody has ever heard of waterproof mascara.
8. LOL, Anna Kendrick is at the wedding gossiping about whether Bella is pregnant. I love her.
9. There’s a vampire/werewolf rivalry situation at the reception, because of course there is. At least nobody dies.
10. God, Bella’s dad looks so sad.
11. OMG, Jacob! I must say, Taylor Lautner looks good in a rumpled white shirt. He freaks out about Bella being changed into a vampire, but it’s still happening, because she’s an idiot.
12. Not to be a perv, but SEX SCENE TIME. Bella is all bruised up but insists she’s fine, because these movies are a horrific example for young girls everywhere, and they finally…do it!
13. Okay, I’m no particular fan of Bella and Edward, but this is fairly hot.
14. How do I rent the villa they’re staying in for their honeymoon? Is it on Airbnb?
15. Bella starts puking, and due to Movie Law, it obviously means she’s pregnant. After her first time too! Raw deal.
16. Bro, I forgot this entire movie has a thinly veiled abortion plotline in which all the (reasonable) people are pro protecting Bella from the vampire fetus that might kill her, but she refuses to harm it. Ugh.
17. Jacob is not pleased about Bella’s pregnancy, since it could (once again) literally kill her, but at least Rosalie is on her side for once.
18. Bella is experiencing that well-known side effect of vampire pregnancy known as “looking like shit and somehow sporting a massive baby bump two weeks after conception.”
19. Carlisle explains that the fetus is “strong and fast-growing,” which…again, yeah, it’s a vampire baby!
20. Jacob begs Bella to choose herself over the baby and Edward, but she won’t do it, obviously.
21. Jacob and his dorky friend Seth break off and form their own pack, with Jacob in charge, and run around being pissed-off wolves for a while.
22. I forgot how wolf-heavy this installment was, TBH.
23. Aw, Seth’s older sister, Leah, shows up to hang with Jacob and Seth and explains that it’s too painful for her to be around Sam, her ex, after imprinting on him. Sounds like a bad breakup, girl.
24. Carlisle explains to Bella that the fetus is starving her, but once again, she doesn’t care.
25. Ugh, Bella has to drink blood in order to test out what makes the fetus happy, and she likes it. Someone’s getting accustomed to vampire life!
26. Bella tells her dad she’s going to a “spa in Switzerland,” but she’s actually giving birth to a demon baby, as one does.
27. Ugh, Rosalie constantly corrects anyone who refers to the fetus as a fetus, calling it “the baby” instead.
28. Edward communicates with the fetus, and now he’s all happy and ready to be a dad, as though his wife isn’t literally likely to die in childbirth. I feel crazy.
29. Okay, barf, birth sequence. (I can’t believe there was ever a time when I wanted to be an ob-gyn. I’m glad I’m recapping Twilight movies for a living instead.)
30. Bella dies and comes back to life because Edward changes her? It’s very Meredith Grey, frankly, with a little more vampire energy.
31. Now we get to arguably the weirdest part of this whole franchise: Jacob imprints on the baby (!!!), which means the wolves can’t harm the vampires because there’s some kind of imprinting protection law.
32. We’re all set up for more Volturi drama in the next installment, and—more important—the babyhood of Renesmee, but she hasn’t officially been named yet, so pretend I didn’t just say that.
33. Meet me back here for Breaking Dawn — Part 2, which contains the world’s weirdest CGI baby!